I want a baby. This is not new news. I have wanted a baby for . . . well . . . ever. I've always known I wanted to be a mom. And, I always thought that by now I would be. But, apparently God had other plans for my life. Having a baby is still a major part of my plan, but it will have to wait. Andrew and I have talked about having children and while the mere thought of kids freaks him out, he seems to be okay with the idea. At least, he's adjusting to the idea. ;o) Right now, our main hold-up on following through with children is our finances. Everyone always tells me, "You'll never be able to afford a baby." (As in, why wait because you'll never be "there".) However, if you are struggling to pay all of your bills and feed just the two of you and a dog, a baby might not be the smartest move. Hence, no baby.
I titled this blog Contentment because I am trying to be content with my life how it is now and stop wishing it was different. I truly believe God is trying to teach me to be content with what I have instead of always wanting more. I also know that God's timing is perfect and, generally speaking, completely different from our own. I know in my heart that God made me to be a mom and that someday I will be, but for now He has other things for me to do.
The hardest part of being content right now is seeing all of my friends (with exception of a very few) having babies. I am truly so happy and excited for them, but at the same time I'm so completely jealous (which I feel really bad admitting!). I feel left out. I feel like I'm losing common ground with my friends. I just feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and progressing through all of the different stages (marriage, dog, house, baby 1, baby 2 . . . ) and we are stuck. I don't like the feeling of being stuck. I want to move on to the next stage. But it's okay. We will move on when God says it's time for us to move on. I know that God knows the deepest desires of my heart and that He is faithful. I'm holding on to His promises and believing that, in His perfect time, we too will have a beautiful baby to introduce to the world.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteHow honest and transparent for you to share such real, raw emotions. I'm not sure there is a greater, deeper despire and longing than for a woman to want a child. It is a very difficult and challenging place to be if you are indeed to wait. I grew closer to the Lord during that (what seemed like loneliest and most agonizing) wait...more than ever before. God does know the desires of your heart. Keep being obedient in waiting upon His timing...it WILL be worth it.